Why is AP - The Secret Phobia

Ask questions about Paruresis, tell your story, talk about it!
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rossco309
Posts: 88
Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2009 12:18 pm

Why is AP - The Secret Phobia

Post by rossco309 » Sun Aug 16, 2009 6:03 pm

The Secret Phobia.

I was wondering why Avoidant Paruresis is such a secret phobia? It seems that all of us who suffer from it have never been able to talk much to anyone about it during most of our lives.

When I first started to have problems peeing around others in my early teens, I just slowly went into the closet, so to speak. I learned that I could only pee by sitting down in a stall and eventually I would start. If there was a lot of noise, or someone was in the stall next to me, often I would have to wait until they were gone before I could start, or I’d leave and come back later or find another quieter toilet somewhere. This was my survival mode so I could live a fairly normal life.

I never raised this problem with my parents even though I felt fairly close to them.
In 1969, when I was 24 yrs, I spoke to my family doctor before marriage, his advise was that he had never heard of this before and I would need to see a psychiatrist. I didn’t do this and consequently decided I would live my life with this ongoing problem. So then I basically avoided using urinals, avoided long distance travel, avoided going away from home (where possible) for more than a few hours at a time, for 45 years until I stumbled across this web site!!!
Fortunately I had told my wife before marriage and she has been very supportive during our 40 years of marriage, but she never fully understood the extent of my avoidance patterns, and the way it had affected my life.

Since finding out a name for my problem, and that many others suffer in the same way, I came out of the closet. I spoke to my family doctor, a psychologist, a urologist, my four grown up children and some other very close friends and family. It is now no longer ‘a secret’ in my life.

Now with the help of a local AP Support Group (Sydney, Australia), a couple of AP workshops, plenty of pee buddy practice, personal practice in hundreds of urinals, changing my thought patterns using CBT, I know I am well on the road to recovery. I am no longer ashamed of my problems and can speak to others of ‘this big secret’ that I have had for so many years.

How have others coped with ‘THIS SECRET’ through the years?

And - Why didn’t we speak up earlier?

Derek
Posts: 74
Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:57 am
Location: Hunter Valley NSW
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Re: Why is AP - The Secret Phobia

Post by Derek » Fri Aug 21, 2009 5:03 am

Hi Rossco,
Why is AP a secret is both simple and complex.
For a start, it ie "paruresis" has only recently been defined as a "clinical entity" in it's own right.
I researced the topic, way back in the early-mid 1990's - even to the point of going through Medical Journals at the University of Sydney Medical Library, and came up with only sporadic references to the condition.
It was often referred to as some sort of side-effect to other more deep-rooted or generalised emotional or neurotic conditions.
We now know that to be FALSE.
Paruresis is a combination of psychological and physiological "defects" - that combine to initiate and then continue to produce the disorder.
The AVOIDANCE is the negative re-inforcement that perpetuates the disorder, under learning and conditioning psychological theories.
Way back then, I found references to inability to use and/or avoid public toilets - under such topics as "Anxiety Neurosis", and even reference to one man who actually recovered by a combination of relaxation techniques and cognitive re-training.
I was somewhat heartened that others in historical literature had experienced it, but it was still somewhat mystical in nature, and not clearly defined.
At the time, I also felt "What's the point in telling someone about a condition that DOESN'T EXIST" according to psycholigical nad medical literature.
We now know that many of the weird features that we have experienced in paruresis, are almost universal in nature amongst all other paruretics.
For a start, paruresis is self-perpetuating, and regardless of the cause or age of onset, it often worsens with time due to the intense anxiety and feelings of worthlessness that it creates.
It then adds to a profound feeling of shame, and feelings of inadequacy and inferiority to the mainstream population.
The feeling of shame are in my book, inversely proportional to how incredibly SHAMELESS our male public toilets are, and are hence incredibly intense. We are a rated "G" pisser, whereas noone else has a problem with showing off their appendages and bodily functions in public.
I can remember sneaking into public toilets with my head held in shame about having to sneak into and sit down in a cubicle. Coming out of the cubicle was a bit like that current VB beer add _ "Men who took a "sicky"to be here. You are hiding your face and hoping to God that noone recognises you when you leave the cubicle and public toilet.
Even now, I have never been able to "normalise" male public toilets. However, I am happy to walk in like a "Manscaper" on the same add, and not feel inferior regardless of how I do my business.
We also feel noone would ever understand this problem, and even if we told someone, it may well come back to bite us.
Females in particular, even though we now know that they too can be affected, would never understand so you just feel "what's the point in telling them" when in a relationship with a woman.
There is also that little bit of pride involved too, so as to not allow other people to "Have something on you" - should you fall out favour with them.
All of these compound to maintain the disorder and the secrecy.
Thankd GOd that the secret is finally out.

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