the problem cause by the paruresis

Ask questions about Paruresis, tell your story, talk about it!
chineseguyinnz
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:04 am

the problem cause by the paruresis

Post by chineseguyinnz » Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:13 am

hello every one ,

i am a new comer here in this forums and was introduced by John who is a very kind mate. i had shared my story with John but also wanna post here again as these days i was very frustrated . i am in New Zealand at the moment by the way.

here is my story happens:

i am a chinese from China. i get to know i have pee shy when i was around 14. In my middle school and high school , the school toilets have no door , i am afraid to go there to pee as i get nervouse i cant pee and makes me feel awkward. i think my situation is quite seriouse. when anyone besides me or waiting for me to pee , i cant do that. so usually i pee at home , not in the school toilet. if i really have urgent urination , i will sit down and pretend that i was doing my big business.
as the time pass , my classmates said one day that never see me go to the toilet , then everyone in my class started to say that and tell everyone around them when i pass by them. one people knows , ten people know , hundreds people know , thousands people know .......
people think that i am weird , a freak . and they do believe that i dont go to toilet , when i go to toilet , they said i pretend to go to toilet just want to show them that i go to toilet. and even worse , some people watched me go to toilet , they want to check me whether i really pretend to go to toilet . and when i go to the toilet , choose the one with door and shut the door , and i feel that they are besides me which makes me nervouse. i cant pee for a long time. then they are 100% sure that i really pretend to go to toilet as they dont hear any pee voice. i only pee when they gone , and they hear nothing .
my life in China is miserable. i start to find a way to escape China , otherwise , i think i will suicide eventually. i am a positive guy , i love life , i dont want to die for this stupid reason but i have no choose these stuff effect me all in China.
one day i finally get to know that there is a working holiday visa in New Zealand for chinese people. i think it is a good chance for me to start a new life , i want to go there to work to make money then study there and apply for the skill work visa and immigration . i am willing to give up a comfortable job in China and start from zero here in New Zealand. i told myself no matter how hard to life is here , i must insist to it.
now i work in kiwi fruit factory to make money . but unfortunately , there is another chinese guy here who knows i dont go to toilet , and he starts to tell the people around him. now everyone here in the factory knows that too . especially some people , before they know this stuff , we talk a lot. when they get to know this stuff , they start to keep away from me. i was depress as when i want to make some friends that makes me feel not so lonely , they think i am a freak finally.
the thing makes me insist to work hard in New Zealand now had been lost , i dont know what to do

chineseguyinnz
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:04 am

Re: the problem cause by the paruresis

Post by chineseguyinnz » Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:22 am

just today i went to the mall to do some shopping , and i passed by the kiwi couple , the guy talked to the lady : this chinese guy cant pee , then the lady reply , are you serious ? the guy said , yes , i heard people say that , ****** their following conversation i can not hear ....

i feel so upset and had a feeling to suicide ( sorry John , i still cant get through it )

all these days the word i talk to myself is : why me , why me , why me , i do nothing wrong , why these things happen on me ,,,,, :cry:

JohnW
Site Admin
Posts: 97
Joined: Sat Jan 10, 2009 9:42 pm

Re: the problem cause by the paruresis

Post by JohnW » Sun Jul 01, 2012 12:28 pm

Paruresis has two aspects: Primary Paruresis and Secondary Paruresis.

Primary Paruresis is simply the inability to pee each time we wish we could. It usually shows itself by being unable to pee because other people are close by, or we think they are likely to be close by. I think it is unlikely that your Primary Paruresis is much worse than that of most of the people who read or contribute to this Forum.

Secondary Paruresis is what goes on in our THINKING about Paruresis, and how it affects our feelings about ourselves. Judging by your post, I think that your Secondary Paruresis is much worse than that of most people who have a paruretic problem.

I believe very much that you need to change your thinking. It seems to me that when you were bullied about your condition, back at school, you didn’t handle it very well: you felt vulnerable and unfairly treated, and you felt that you were a victim. You felt very sorry for yourself, and I think that this was a reasonable reaction for you at the time. It was very unfair.

But you are now an adult, and it is time for you to react to unfairness differently. Instead of feeling crushed by it and wanting to be given sympathy, you should be putting the most positive spin on things that you can.

Lots of things seem unfair in life, but we have to decide to give our attention to the positive things about ourself, and ignore the less welcome things about ourself, especially if our attention to those things is actually making our life more difficult. It is a fact that many people can’t pee normally in a public toilet. Some of them can’t walk either, and some of them can’t even move their arms or hands. They are quadriplegics. In fact thalilomide-affected people may not even have any legs or arms. Do they give up and ask for the world’s sympathy? Some of them do, but others get on with life the best they can.

JohnW

rossco309
Posts: 88
Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2009 12:18 pm

Re: the problem cause by the paruresis

Post by rossco309 » Tue Jul 03, 2012 7:23 pm

HI Chinese Guy in NZ,

Thank you for sharing your story in this chat page. It reminded me of my earlier life here in Australia when I was 14yrs old till I left high school at 17 yrs, except our school had toilet doors. I too could not pee if anyone was near bye, and then only by sitting down and waiting until all was quiet. Normally I would just hang on until I got home some 8 hours later.
What you have experienced, and are experiencing, is what ALL people who suffer with shy bladder/paruresis experience. You are not a freak. You are suffering with a social anxiety disorder, that is all. You can be helped by seeing a doctor first, and tell him what you are experiencing. He may send you to a urologist/specialist doctor just to check you have nothing wrong with your bladder etc.

Printout and take along some good literature to both these doctors like this > http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv ... r_syndrome

Also perhaps print this out and show your friends who are making fun of you. This will help them to understand why you have a problem when you go to the toilet.

As John has said you need to change your negative thinking about yourself. Ie.

“I am not a freak”
“I suffer with a condition known as shy bladder”
“I can get better”
“I take longer to go to the toilet than most people, but that is OK as I have shy bladder”
“I remember that thousands of other men (and women) suffer with shy bladder to”

Please keep posting and we will try and answer any questions you may have about this condition.

Kind Regards,
Ross (Sydney AP Support Group)

onlyafool
Posts: 29
Joined: Sat May 05, 2012 5:58 pm

Re: the problem cause by the paruresis

Post by onlyafool » Wed Jul 04, 2012 2:12 am

if you do come to australia there may be more help, but stay positive because your not alone there is many of us we all need to help eachother.

Derek
Posts: 74
Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:57 am
Location: Hunter Valley NSW
Contact:

Re: the problem cause by the paruresis

Post by Derek » Fri Jul 06, 2012 5:31 pm

chineseguyinnz wrote:just today i went to the mall to do some shopping , and i passed by the kiwi couple , the guy talked to the lady : this chinese guy cant pee , then the lady reply , are you serious ? the guy said , yes , i heard people say that , ****** their following conversation i can not hear ....

i feel so upset and had a feeling to suicide ( sorry John , i still cant get through it )

all these days the word i talk to myself is : why me , why me , why me , i do nothing wrong , why these things happen on me ,,,,, :cry:
Are you really sure you heard the guy talking about you?
Part of the problem with AP is that we worry that everyone, even complete strangers, are talking about us and noticiing everything you do.
Get to the next Workshop before you consider other irreversible reactions to the problem.

chineseguyinnz
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:04 am

Re: the problem cause by the paruresis

Post by chineseguyinnz » Fri Jul 13, 2012 9:17 am

thanks you guys reply my post here , and sorry about my late reply.

maybe i didnt handle well with this case in China , i was thinking i am the only one who suffered with this before , i didnt know there are lots of people suffer the same problem until 2009.

in the past , when people were talking about this , i just avoid this or keep silent , and the other people dont know there is a paruresis existing , so they all think that is a true thing and assuming i am a freak , never go to toilet.

there people talk to people , lots of people in my area know that , i feel frustrate and wanna kill myself , and i had escape from China , they still wanna broadcast oversea , oops

i know lots of people suffer paruresis , but rarely people are suffering from being broadcasted that never go to toilet.

i know i am negative now , i am trying to positive , but when i am hearing people assuming i am never go to toilet , then i am frustrated again , oops

chineseguyinnz
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:04 am

Re: the problem cause by the paruresis

Post by chineseguyinnz » Fri Jul 13, 2012 9:20 am

Derek wrote:
chineseguyinnz wrote:just today i went to the mall to do some shopping , and i passed by the kiwi couple , the guy talked to the lady : this chinese guy cant pee , then the lady reply , are you serious ? the guy said , yes , i heard people say that , ****** their following conversation i can not hear ....

i feel so upset and had a feeling to suicide ( sorry John , i still cant get through it )

all these days the word i talk to myself is : why me , why me , why me , i do nothing wrong , why these things happen on me ,,,,, :cry:
Are you really sure you heard the guy talking about you?
Part of the problem with AP is that we worry that everyone, even complete strangers, are talking about us and noticiing everything you do.
Get to the next Workshop before you consider other irreversible reactions to the problem.

yeah , i am sure they are talking on me , i have a good sense of hearing , :lol:

Leon
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Apr 13, 2012 11:40 am

Re: the problem cause by the paruresis

Post by Leon » Thu Jul 19, 2012 4:02 pm

Hi chineseguyinnz,

I worked in a large office with over 100 people and it was very difficult to use the bathroom, most of the people I worked with seemed pretty non-judgemental but I didnt want to risk 'failing' in front of them, so I mostly only went to the toilet at lunch somewhere else. Some days I would even hold it.
A few of my close workfriends did the same joking about the fact I never use the toilet, one even called me a Camel! But I was too embarrassed to explain to them I was Paruretic, and I realise they weren't trying to humiliate me, they just didn't understand that it was actually a phobia.
I think the most important thing to do is talk about it, tell your mum or dad or close friend first with the facts. If you can, confide in a work friend you trust won't tell everyone, and I'm sure they'll appreciate the fact you trust them to keep such a secret, these steps helped tremendously for me in the first stages.
Goodluck.

chineseguyinnz
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:04 am

Re: the problem cause by the paruresis

Post by chineseguyinnz » Tue Jul 24, 2012 6:37 pm

Leon wrote:Hi chineseguyinnz,

I worked in a large office with over 100 people and it was very difficult to use the bathroom, most of the people I worked with seemed pretty non-judgemental but I didnt want to risk 'failing' in front of them, so I mostly only went to the toilet at lunch somewhere else. Some days I would even hold it.
A few of my close workfriends did the same joking about the fact I never use the toilet, one even called me a Camel! But I was too embarrassed to explain to them I was Paruretic, and I realise they weren't trying to humiliate me, they just didn't understand that it was actually a phobia.
I think the most important thing to do is talk about it, tell your mum or dad or close friend first with the facts. If you can, confide in a work friend you trust won't tell everyone, and I'm sure they'll appreciate the fact you trust them to keep such a secret, these steps helped tremendously for me in the first stages.
Goodluck.
hi Leon ,

thanks for your reply. and you are lucky then , and the australian people are very kind , they do respect you , dont make you in trouble. but unfortunately , i dont have that luck . when i were in China , my classmates know i never use the school toilet , seems they discover another planet in the space. they told everyone around them and make fun of me , how i wish i were borned in Australia , a more peaceful , respectful world , but thats life , i have no choose , just carry on with it.

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