18 and Clubbing, HELP ME!

Ask questions about Paruresis, tell your story, talk about it!
chippy
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Apr 29, 2012 9:53 am

18 and Clubbing, HELP ME!

Post by chippy » Sun Apr 29, 2012 10:01 am

Okay so i've recently turned 18... I go out most weekends with my mates to Surfers paradise.., obviously drinking alot and partying.., I have a small bladders as it is, it is SOOO hard for me to go through a night without holding in a piss for a long period of time. I think i have low-moderate Paruresis, cause i can sometimes go in the toilets inside the clubs, but sometimes i just find myself standing there with no hope at all. I can't even just go to the beach and let one out there, i usually go to the public toilets located outside the beach, which is okay sometimes. But i still find myself dancing away on the d-floor with a bladder full of piss, or if we are on a mission to find some friends/go back to an apartment, i can't just piss somewhere in the bushes along the way if i am with friends or if there is traffic/more people around (as bad as pissing in public sounds, dont judge me! >:) )

I don't care about urinals or troths, i don't use them at all, don't plan on it and never have - im fine to just use the stall/or wait for the stall if it's in use. Also i find that if i slightly need to do a poo i find it MUCH harder to push my piss out cause it just ends up wanting to come out the other end, and if you have seen all the smashed glass and whatever else is on the toilet seats in a nightclub, you wouldn't be sitting down on it either.

JohnW
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Re: 18 and Clubbing, HELP ME!

Post by JohnW » Sun Apr 29, 2012 6:03 pm

Chippy,

It seems that you are better off than many paruretics, because many of us are greatly concerned that we can’t use troughs or urinals easily if someone else is around. You don’t seem to mind using only cubicles, so that is a great plus. However, if I read your post correctly, you can’t use cubicles RELIABLY. Sometimes it just won’t come out, as you’re standing there.

I believe that paruresis cuts in because we have some anxiety about the situation, and that if we were very relaxed at the time, we would have no problem. So at home, in our familiar setting, there may be no hesitation at all, or only a little, depending perhaps on our age. Or perhaps we don’t really need to go. But when we are out, in some other setting, we find we have a problem. Furthermore, I think that the difficulty arises not because of some physical problem we have, but rather because of our wrong thinking: we are processing the situation so that we see it as some kind of threat, or there is something that we find very distasteful. We may, for example, fear what people may think of us if they detect anything “wrong” with us, anything that suggests that we are inferior. Or we think that public toilets are full of germs, or we find the smell offensive. Or we fear that if we fail to pee, we’ll continue to be in pain. Whatever it is, it is enough to make us feel not at ease. And if that feeling is strong enough, the chances are that we will have difficulty peeing.

The first step would be to try to work out just what it is that we find unsettling, and if our thinking about that needs to be adjusted, then we work at that. But as well as correcting our thinking, we need to practise having more successes and fewer failures (and it is more helpful if we call these “misfires”). The best way to practise is to confide in a good friend, telling them about our problem, and asking if they will help us practise (I know it sounds weird!). As we have more and more successes, then we should expect that in “real life” our rate of successes will increase there also.

By the way, you shouldn’t have to push to get the urine out. In some circumstances, I think, that could even make things worse. It could be an act of desperation, which simply makes us less relaxed. The bladder itself is a muscle which is supposed to contract, on demand (if it is full enough). It will do enough pushing of its own - you don’t have to help. The real culprit seems to be the “internal sphincter” - which is a valve on the side of the bladder wall. It seems that it will not open if you are not relaxed enough.

Thank you for posting. We hope that we will hear from you again.

JohnW

chippy
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Apr 29, 2012 9:53 am

Re: 18 and Clubbing, HELP ME!

Post by chippy » Mon Apr 30, 2012 6:16 am

Thankyou for the reply JohnW. I think my problem is the fact that my friends know i cant pee, i tell them and we end up laughing about it cause we think i may be to drunk or something, so when i do try pee i am stressed and try make it come out because it is embarrasing to my friends, even though i play it off. also i think the fear that 'if i dont pee i will stay in this suffering' kicks in definitly, i think to myself how can i go jump around and party while my bladder is busting.. does tge breathing exersise work? i think it could cause it will get my mind off the whole situation and make me focus on breathing, i will hafto try this, also might start trying to pee in troths at work to make it all a bit easier

JohnW
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Posts: 97
Joined: Sat Jan 10, 2009 9:42 pm

Re: 18 and Clubbing, HELP ME!

Post by JohnW » Mon Apr 30, 2012 8:27 am

chippy,

Yes, the breath holding does seem to work - but not for everyone, and probably not until you’ve practised it quite a bit. I am sure that it works for me, although I have probably got to the stage that I don’t really need to use it. But I do find it useful just before going to bed, when I may have very little urine to expel, and I don’t want to stand there for five minutes until my bladder gets the idea. I exhale and then hold my breath. Before long (in my case) I get muscle palpitations in the lower stomach/groin area, and out it flows, at a fairly normal strength - not just dribbles. I then find myself panting quite a bit - so that shows that I really did hold my breath!

If I’m out in the real world, and I suspect that the situation may be challenging (and especially if I don’t really have much of a need to go that I can feel), then I will use it then also. If I am approaching or entering the toilet, I may even hold my breath before I get to the urinal, but I have to be careful not to overdo this, as the physical movement requires oxygen, and I don’t want to be in the state where I am forced to gasp for breath and spoil the process.

So I do think it works. But don’t expect it to work for you to get you out of a tight spot until you’ve practised it quite a bit at home. And there may be situations of stress when even breath-holding doesn’t do the trick for you. That hasn’t yet happened for me, but you should realise that I have been in very good recovery from paruresis now for about twenty years!

Regarding the use of the troughs at work, I take it that at the moment you don’t mind using the cubicles at work, and you don’t have any problem. In fact your main problem seems to be when you’re out with friends. So you think that starting to use the troughs at work may be good practice.

The thing about practising is that you should aim to have a lot more successes than misfires, and that you should only gradually increase the level of challenge. So with the troughs, you should start to use them only at times when there is not a rush on the toilet (preferably, when no-one else is present). For starters, you should be under as little pressure as possible. When you use the cubicles at work, do you close the door? If you do, usually, then I would suggest that before you start on the troughs, get used to using the cubicles with the door left wide open. That is like changing them into a wall bowl with large partitions - and that is one step towards using urinals where there is no partition.

Best wishes,
JohnW

chippy
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Apr 29, 2012 9:53 am

Re: 18 and Clubbing, HELP ME!

Post by chippy » Mon Apr 30, 2012 10:49 am

Thank you alot JohnW, alredy i can tell you have helped me alot, i think now im aware of it it will make things easier, ill start peeing with the door open at work. thats a good idea. ill let you know how i go.

JohnW
Site Admin
Posts: 97
Joined: Sat Jan 10, 2009 9:42 pm

Re: 18 and Clubbing, HELP ME!

Post by JohnW » Tue May 01, 2012 7:47 am

chippy,

It's good to find you so positive. I am sure that if you stay positive, and if you practise in the way I have suggested (shopping malls can be quite useful), then you will overcome this thing. Your youth is in your favour.

But don't expect to be free of it overnight. Even if you do everything right, in your case it could still take months before you feel really confident. Most of us take a lot longer than that!

JohnW

chippy
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Apr 29, 2012 9:53 am

Re: 18 and Clubbing, HELP ME!

Post by chippy » Sat May 05, 2012 9:24 am

thanks john, i have been going with the door open at work. i think this is helping, also using the urinal at gym, i hav a slight delay but it seems to come after 10 seconds or so. i think ill overcome eventually:). ill keep u posted on progress, again thanks heaps for the help.

onlyafool
Posts: 29
Joined: Sat May 05, 2012 5:58 pm

Re: 18 and Clubbing, HELP ME!

Post by onlyafool » Sat May 05, 2012 6:18 pm

club hop till you find one with a decent amount of cubils. or casino

Derek
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Location: Hunter Valley NSW
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Re: 18 and Clubbing, HELP ME!

Post by Derek » Mon May 07, 2012 9:34 am

Chippy,
See the thread on paruretic friendly public toilets.
You need to practice at relatively easy places first, before moving your way up to harder places.
When I was in my late teens - early 20's, Nightclubs and hotels were generally avoided.
At that age even using cubicles was very difficult, particularly if they were sound-proofed as a contrast to the noisy nightclub setting.
Things like "Pub Crawls"" -were also completely ruled out.
It wasn't until I was a little older, and started not feeling guilty about using cubicles, that I found a couple of venues that had an above-average number of cubicles (not common in nightclubs - usually urinal space is far greater than the number of cubicles) that I would use.
Try Pacific Fair at Broadbeach initially for practicing, I found using plenty of water and caffeinated diet drinks very useful for fluid loadingm and stimulating urinary contraction of the detrusor muscle.
This venue has Dividers at at least one spot. Also find a toilet where there are 2 or 3 walls of urinals - that minimises the chance of someone being in your filed of view - ie at 90, 180 or 270 degrees from you.
You may also find the Shopping Centre in Surfers Paradise useful as well, especially early in the morning - you can usually follow some old man in who will be using the urinals.
Eventually this will improve, and you can try Nightclubs early in the night when there are few people there, and gradully progress. Good luck.

chippy
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Apr 29, 2012 9:53 am

Re: 18 and Clubbing, HELP ME!

Post by chippy » Mon May 07, 2012 11:00 am

Thanks for the replys, have a bit of a story.
I went to the Festival ' Creamfields' yesterday, so again a whole day/night of drinking.
At the start of the day i was at my mates house having pre-drinks, this was very interesting, i needed to pee so as we do i went outside the shed we where in, it kicked in and i could't pee, i tried the breathe hold technique, and it worked! i was sooo happy. When we got to the festival i needed to go, the toilets where absolutly FULL, but doesnt take long to get into a cubical, but because there where atleast 25 guys AND girls(girls line was ridiculous so they come to boys) annnyway, i couldn't do it at this time, we went and watched an act, still needing to go the whole time, tried to ignore it and i did pretty well, after that we went to the toilet again, went into a cubical and i went pretty good, i was BUSTING so that kinda helped, it just forced its way out haha. Overall throughout the rest of the night i did pretty well. I think i would of went 10 times, mabe missfired 3 times. And also i slept at my mates house, woke up during the night needing to go and i went to his toilet casually, nearly had a missfire there but i did the breathe hold again, eventually worked. was strange that i got a missfire at that time, i guess i probably thought my friend was awake and he could hear me or something, i dont know. - anyway thats just an update on how im going. cheers.

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