The danger of secrets

Ask questions about Paruresis, tell your story, talk about it!

The danger of secrets

Postby Wally » Wed Sep 17, 2014 3:28 pm

One of the biggest problems that I've had regarding my paruresis has been my tendency to not talk with others about my phobia,maybe because of embarrassment,pride,fear of being laughed at or not being accepted etc.by bottling things up I'd greatly slowed my healing,sort of catch 22.To kill a phobia one needs to stop running & face it & allow others to help,first just little steps,knowing that with others who understand there is no such thing as failure As I've got older I've been sharing my secrets with a few others,this has been a big help.I'm not so worried now about the acceptance/rejection thing.I've felt encouraged by others feedback & no longer feel alone.Some of my confidants have spoken about their fears/troubles including paruresis,seems paruresis is suffered to a greater or lesser degree by many more than I realised.I'm sorry to see so few using & communicating on the PAA web site,this is our place in Aus to help & encourage each other.I feel it's important for paruresis sufferers to do what needs to be done to get comfortable with toilet issues,whether it be feeling relaxed & content peeing in cubicles or pushing ahead to stand at the urinal,what ever works for the individual & opens the way for the living of a full & contented life.Remember good old Peter Finch in the film Network "I'm as mad as he'll & I'm not going to put up with it anymore." Courage & freedom to all. Wally
Wally
 
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Re: The danger of secrets

Postby rossco309 » Mon Dec 22, 2014 11:57 am

Well said Wally !!

This is actually how I felt when I first discovered this web site about 10 years ago. I had kept my secret about my 'shy bladder' for over 40 years, and when I found out that it had a name, and that others suffered from it as well, it was like a revelation!!

The more we feel comfortable telling others that need to know, especially in the medical field the better we will be.

Keep at the recovery process and you will continue to improve.

Ross.
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Re: The danger of secrets

Postby Wally » Tue Mar 24, 2015 2:13 pm

Thanks Rossco for your feedback & encouragement,much appreciated.
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Re: The danger of secrets

Postby truthseeker75 » Mon Mar 21, 2016 9:08 pm

Hi there all,

I recently discovered this website and I am glad to be here amongst you all. I first learned about paruresis online close to 16 years ago. Back then I had immediately ordered the book by Dr Soifer and other authors. What happened back then was that just learning about it and not feeling alone seemed to help me a great deal. I was always comfortable urinating in stalls and I thought to myself that there is really no point in trying to change that. Especially considering there are millions of others like me. Today I have come to realise that I didn't deal with it sufficiently back then. If I have to be totally honest with myself, I think I would have lived a different life to the one I chose, pretty much in many ways to compensate for my paruresis. I can see now that my way of socialising and even the jobs I took where to a large degree geared around my paruresis. Had I not had to deal with paruresis, I probably would have attended many more social gatherings, chose jobs that I am more sincerely interested in, had better and closer relationships with friends and people in general. 16 years later I have decided to re-address the issue because like many others I feel it is unfair that paruresis seems to have the final say in many important life decisions.
The reason I chose to respond to this particular post is because I think it speaks abundant truth. My feeling is that Paruresis or Shy bladder whatever you want to call it, is not the condition itself, but a symptom of more deep seeded fears and insecurities. I believe this is potentially true about many mental illnesses which don't have a biological cause. Phobias especially are notorious for having more deep seeded psychological causes. I think the secrecy, is as Wally says, a major part of the problem. Without suggesting that everybody can and should try this, I have a pretty strong feeling that if instead of hiding we did the reverse, we would probably be surprised at the results. Hypothetically speaking, What if instead of hiding, we actually almost provoked people to criticise us at the urinal. What if we just stood there without urinating just hoping someone would ridicule us so that in the very least we finally get to experience the humiliation that we fear and tremble at. I have a strong hunch that this could actually be the clincher. Having experienced the so called dreaded humiliation and ridicule possibly on multiple occasions, it would only be a matter of time before it ceased to bother us. Alternatively what we may experience is the complete and total indifference of those around us at the urinal. People going about their business who couldn't care less about what we where doing. Either way, this would strike at the heart of our fear and I say this with complete respect cause I speak first for myself, "ignorance". The focus at least in the beginning should not be on succeeding in peeing. After all, whether we urinate in that particular moment is not so crucial considering that most of us will eventually find somewhere safe where we can pee. The focus initially should be facing up to the real fear which is the humiliation and criticism. The focus should be on taking on your mind which is trying to convince you that if something like that occurred it would somehow mean the end of the world for you. Most phobias are entirely irrational. They only gain in strength and persistence because of the power we give them by submitting to them and surrendering any form of resistance. If the fear of somebody noticing you and making a mockery out of you was not at all a factor in you inability to pee publicly, then very little remains standing in your way.
Here I wish to add a disclaimer. There is nothing inherently wrong with accepting to stay at the level you feel comfortable at. For those like me who can happily pee in stalls with the door closed, there is nothing, I repeat, wrong with that. Many people whether they have paruresis or not live great and fulfilling lives accepting that they may have some sort of limitations. As a matter of fact I thing you would be hard pressed to find someone who didn't have some issue to deal with that many of us would find trivial. I know many people who have a fear of public speaking, which for me has never been an issue. I speak, and have spoken publicly without thinking twice. People with agoraphobia may spend their life living in wide open spaces in the country. People with the fear of flying may be just as happy only ever travelling by boat. If this is the case for those with some degree of paruresis, then in essence there is no problem that needs solving. Paruresis can be like many things considered a variation of the norm and nothing more. Chapter closed. But if you feel that this if beaten, would improve the quality of your life in ways previously unimagined, then it may be worth pondering risking a great deal more than ever before. I welcome all and any feedback from all of you who I do not consider fellow sufferers, but colleagues in the pursuit of freedom and fulfillment.
truthseeker75
 
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Re: The danger of secrets

Postby Wally » Tue Apr 05, 2016 10:20 am

Thanks truthseeker 75 for your welcome input,you have stated many important & informative matters,the more helpful
& encouraging info available to all who are recovering from paruresis the better.More power to you in your quest in the pursuit of freedom & fulfilment.
Wally
 
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Re: The danger of secrets

Postby Derek » Sat May 14, 2016 9:47 am

truthseeker75 wrote:Hi there all,

I recently discovered this website and I am glad to be here amongst you all. I first learned about paruresis online close to 16 years ago. Back then I had immediately ordered the book by Dr Soifer and other authors. What happened back then was that just learning about it and not feeling alone seemed to help me a great deal. I was always comfortable urinating in stalls and I thought to myself that there is really no point in trying to change that. Especially considering there are millions of others like me. Today I have come to realise that I didn't deal with it sufficiently back then. If I have to be totally honest with myself, I think I would have lived a different life to the one I chose, pretty much in many ways to compensate for my paruresis. I can see now that my way of socialising and even the jobs I took where to a large degree geared around my paruresis. Had I not had to deal with paruresis, I probably would have attended many more social gatherings, chose jobs that I am more sincerely interested in, had better and closer relationships with friends and people in general. 16 years later I have decided to re-address the issue because like many others I feel it is unfair that paruresis seems to have the final say in many important life decisions.
The reason I chose to respond to this particular post is because I think it speaks abundant truth. My feeling is that Paruresis or Shy bladder whatever you want to call it, is not the condition itself, but a symptom of more deep seeded fears and insecurities. I believe this is potentially true about many mental illnesses which don't have a biological cause. Phobias especially are notorious for having more deep seeded psychological causes. I think the secrecy, is as Wally says, a major part of the problem. Without suggesting that everybody can and should try this, I have a pretty strong feeling that if instead of hiding we did the reverse, we would probably be surprised at the results. Hypothetically speaking, What if instead of hiding, we actually almost provoked people to criticise us at the urinal. What if we just stood there without urinating just hoping someone would ridicule us so that in the very least we finally get to experience the humiliation that we fear and tremble at. I have a strong hunch that this could actually be the clincher. Having experienced the so called dreaded humiliation and ridicule possibly on multiple occasions, it would only be a matter of time before it ceased to bother us. Alternatively what we may experience is the complete and total indifference of those around us at the urinal. People going about their business who couldn't care less about what we where doing. Either way, this would strike at the heart of our fear and I say this with complete respect cause I speak first for myself, "ignorance". The focus at least in the beginning should not be on succeeding in peeing. After all, whether we urinate in that particular moment is not so crucial considering that most of us will eventually find somewhere safe where we can pee. The focus initially should be facing up to the real fear which is the humiliation and criticism. The focus should be on taking on your mind which is trying to convince you that if something like that occurred it would somehow mean the end of the world for you. Most phobias are entirely irrational. They only gain in strength and persistence because of the power we give them by submitting to them and surrendering any form of resistance. If the fear of somebody noticing you and making a mockery out of you was not at all a factor in you inability to pee publicly, then very little remains standing in your way.
Here I wish to add a disclaimer. There is nothing inherently wrong with accepting to stay at the level you feel comfortable at. For those like me who can happily pee in stalls with the door closed, there is nothing, I repeat, wrong with that. Many people whether they have paruresis or not live great and fulfilling lives accepting that they may have some sort of limitations. As a matter of fact I thing you would be hard pressed to find someone who didn't have some issue to deal with that many of us would find trivial. I know many people who have a fear of public speaking, which for me has never been an issue. I speak, and have spoken publicly without thinking twice. People with agoraphobia may spend their life living in wide open spaces in the country. People with the fear of flying may be just as happy only ever travelling by boat. If this is the case for those with some degree of paruresis, then in essence there is no problem that needs solving. Paruresis can be like many things considered a variation of the norm and nothing more. Chapter closed. But if you feel that this if beaten, would improve the quality of your life in ways previously unimagined, then it may be worth pondering risking a great deal more than ever before. I welcome all and any feedback from all of you who I do not consider fellow sufferers, but colleagues in the pursuit of freedom and fulfillment.


Your experiences are similar to most of us, hope you are making some progress.
My job now for instance would be the most AP friendly imaginable, my own private lockable bathroom and toilet - but this was after I made progress!
One of the techniques you mention is called ""paradoxical intention"" - standing at a urinal for a lengthy period of time, with no intention to pee.
It has been advocated by certain members on the IPA board, but for whatever reason I have not entertained it as a useful exercise.
Normally if I can pee at will I will, which is at high urgency, using caffeinated drinks and bethanechol also helps, esp at local toilets that are known to me.
I can pee with reliable success here (very few misfires), but unfortunately this has not translated to being completely cured or recovered - as all public toilets are different (eg a raised trough is still an issue), and quite often non-paruretics may not adhere to urinal etiquette etc.
On the road and travelling/ confined areas, practice techniques are often not practicable (not a good idea to be actively fluid loading and/or trying to pee at low urgency in crowded public toilets is harder) and survival techniques are employed.
It is a "balancing act" between recovery and survival, but significant gains can be made, even if many of us will never be cured per se.
Good luck for the future.
On the OP with respect to secrets, I am all for removing secrecy, but not to those who it is no benefit or mileage in telling them. (eg in-laws, work colleagues etc).
I actually did tell my wife about it a decade or so ago, but she never got it unfortunately and has not been supportive of the condition, so I rarely bring it up now.
Derek
 
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Re: The danger of secrets

Postby johng » Tue Feb 28, 2017 10:58 pm

Hi Truthseeker
A lot f good and provoking thoughts in your dissertation. I guess we all want to be "normal" and not suffer from this Phobia. Perhaps it is a variation of normal. It is frustrating that a few simple designs to toilets would make life a lot better. As you say I think many more males than we realise suffer a degree of Paruresis. Keep up the discussion. Johng
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Re: The danger of secrets

Postby onlyafool123 » Mon Mar 06, 2017 5:47 pm

Truth seeker i think you may of hit the nail on the head, the thing i fear most is standing at a urinal/ troff infront of people i know and them seeing me not urinate. I have been thinking of trying to stand at a troff after a church service or when im out with friends and just do nothing. Which may lessen the fear of being judged or humiliated.
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